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About Literature / Hobbyist ClaireFemale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
Deviant for 9 Years
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hold yourself together
there is a fire in this heart
i am dying from the
i fall in and out of love with you every day
because i never know what
actually is
i am a mess
i am not yours
i am no one's
hereby i have been declared nothing
i am not in love with you
my feelings are mixing in the depth of this
shallow mind, i
can only dream about loving you
and face the reality that
my name will never be uttered by your lips
i care too deeply
for this to be okay.
i spend much of my night
dreaming about the way
your day
must feel
better than mine
better that me
a delicate state is
no excuse
my excuse
i would prefer not to exist in a world
with you
brushing past me
i do not catch your eye
i do not turn your head
i would prefer to not exist in a world
without you
talking about death makes me
think of things i
like to dwell on
there is a fire in this heart, but
it will not kill me
it will not touch me
my death is your victory
my death is
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 2 16
last night I was okay. last night some people said some things and for some seconds, some few two or three or fourfivesix seconds those hurt- and I stopped because I could feel it- it creeps up my back sometimes, or flattens me like clouds over the stars-
last night I was okay, but only okay.
the night before i was fine. i went out to dine at a Michelin starred restaurant and there was a moment when i wasn't sure what to do- and there were eyes- and people, they dined here, they wore smart clothes and fancy bags and pretty heels- i wore a short skirt and a spangled vest jumper- i had holes in my tights and old red converse and a flick on my eyeliner- i looked different and for a second-
that made me sad. for a minute. or a few. it was fine. i think.
there were five nights i was just fine, pretty good, same as usual. i worked not too hard and i spoke not too fast and i had fun and i laughed and that's good, that's really good but it's not as though i've ever treasured anything i've
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 2 42
an Exercise in Words
She wraps writing round her as though if she tries hard enough the words will embed their selves onto her body, layer by layer, letter by letter, till her skin is blackened with dusty ink in 'love finds no loss's and 'once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl who fell in love with a beautiful boy and they overcame their enemies with their kindness and love and lived together happily forever's because even she knows that every once in a while happy endings exist. In time and space and even if it's just an eye for an eye it's still there, so it still counts.
She likes to think.
She does like to think, but sometimes thinking for thinking's sake drowns her in its depths and she wishes- she cries- she screams out and sucks it all back in again because no one is allowed to hear- no one would have heard anyway- no one- because they liked to pretend. And pretense- oh, pretense is devilish and maybe it would leave someone else gleaming with tears but for he
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 3 64
Upside Down
You live like a back-to-front knee-high pair of white school socks. You walk in a world where footsteps touch the heavens and your fingers are left to trail across rays of sun that burn until your tips are red raw from heat and light and other kinds of energy that scientists haven't discovered yet. Solar. Potential. Nuclear. Scorching, and your hair falls into seas so deep that your eyes find creatures you never knew existed and giant squids (more giant than the most giant squid that lies lonely in a museum, cold and dead) get tangled in hair so red and yellow it clashes too bright with the blue. It gets darker the further down you go, and it's a navy sort of black as far as your eyes can see. You wonder what it's like even further down, where your split ends float. Maybe you can't see a thing. Maybe it's hot. Maybe your hair fell so far it got locked in the earth and when you try to wake yourself up from this and lean upupup and out, you'll get caught, and strain, and tear your
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 5 54
I Wouldn't Know
I've been thinking a lot and I've decided I don't like this. I've been sitting and waiting, child-like and pathetic, for you. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of these games, except they're not games because they're no fun and you don't even know the rules. Sometimes I wonder if you even know we're playing at all.
I give up. Time out. The end. You've won, if you even wanted to. You've won, but not because you were the best. In truth, it was only because I was the worst, and I couldn't stand it any longer.
I'm so tired of your hiding. Why must you hide? What purpose does it serve? Safety? Security? Unguaranteed isolation, and burning loneliness, and that unheard wish for something more...
Don't pretend you don't know. I won't if you won't.
I still don't know what you're locking upupup and out of my sight. {Should I want to?} Of course I don't. I'm not magic, no matter what you say, so how on earth can I find something out when you're so reluctant to tell me? We're close in so many ways,
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 1 16
It Could've Been Lovely
It's been two years, two long years if you remember but two short years if you think about it logically, if you remember that once you had a friend called Curls and then you lost her and now she's coming back. Once you liked blue eyes, then they became brown, and now it's in limbo but it's a different blue this time. Once, there were nose patches and belives and was it a sweet dream? when in the end it was only a beautiful nightmare. Two long years if you want to think about it, and two short ones when you don't.  Two years, and nothing's changed. In reality, it all has. But it hasn't. Not really. You're still young, you're still immature, you still laugh and stare and dream. God, you dream, and you don't know how you do it but you just do. You don't know a lot, or so you like to think. But knowing's grown old and thinking's overrated anyway.
Once, you were a little stupid, a little naive, a little paranoid. You were strange in ways you can't even begin t
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 5 11
All For Me
I'm going to walk on two hands and I'm going to do it on my own. I'm going to draw heart shapes in the dust and wraps them in rings of wedded bliss. I'm going to paint the town gold and silver and bronze because I think neon suits the cities better. I'm not going to need anyone, but it'd be nice if they needed me. I'm going to do it on my own, I swear. I'll get right to the top and I'll do it for fun, I'll go hit rock bottom and I'll do it because it's nice to sit down for a while, and maybe I'll be stuck in the middle but that'll be fine, because no one can judge you there.
Except myself.
But if I've gotten to the middle, then what's there to complain about?
And if I've fallen to the bottom, the only way is up, right?
And if I'm at the top, then what more can I do than stay there?
I won't need two minutes to take out, and I won't need some shoulder to cry on. I'm not going to get angry so don't even ask, and if you keep acting like that there'll be distance. I just want you to
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 8 14
Flo Rida ID by happysmileygal Flo Rida ID :iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 0 38
Always Running Out Of Time
Time's like a waterfall - steady, flowing, neverending, never changing, always going on. And on. And on.
Time becomes irrelevant and you don't know how much is passing.
It never finishes. It doesn't care. If someone dies, okay, fine. Someone's born, yeah. That's life. It's going to keep going on, it's not going to stop, and who are we to ask for that?
You want to go back, to before it happened, before any of it happened. But at the same time, you don't.
It's inanimate, all-encompassing - it's just there and it always was. Back in the Stone age, Iron age, the Romans and the Egyptians and back when the dinosaurs roamed, it was there. It was always there.
Give it time, they say. It only happened a week ago - they don't know what happened, they don't. You cried and you screamed and you beat your fists against the floor, but they don't know why.
Always running out of time, time is a river, time flies when you're having fu
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 2 9
If I Could Have A Minute
This is normality. The tip, the point, the precipice and utter meaning of normality. Of routine. You knew this would happen today because it happens every day. It's almost inappropriate for it not to happen. So it happened. Like every day. And you have a brilliant poker face, I'll give you that, but mine's perfect even when we know it's all fake.
I love fakery, I love perfection. There's something so cunning and sly and evil about fakeness I hate to adore, but it's always been like this, I've always been attracted to the underlying beauty of the dark side. I always liked the villains in films. They were always terrible, terribly evil, and terribly evilly good-looking. Evil is perfect and conniving and subtle, it draws me in in the way a halo's light would draw you in. It's just that- It's not that easy! It's not simple, it's not perfect, I'm not terribly evil and you're not beautifully good, it's different and it's strange and it's our twisted version
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 0 0
D is for Dangerous
I saw your name written in the stars and it made me smile because usually we can't see the stars from here. The sky was clear and the ground was cold, but I stayed there anyway because the moon was almost full and I don't think I've ever seen anything like it before. Maybe I haven't.
Your name's a nice name, though. It's pretty and simple and not ugly like 'Gertmein' or 'Vladimir' or odd names like that. It's a nice name, and it didn't capture my attention at first, but it feels nice when I say it, and say it again, and mix it in with other words that sound just as nice but aren't really. But nothing's as nice as your name, really. Not even you. You're not nice. You're arrogant and handsome and funny and dangerous and not nice, but you're so yes and I don't know how to stop myself from tracing your tattoo onto the sky to see if I can make a new constellation.
It's been a long time. So long. And you're looking at me like it's been a long time and it has and all I want is you, and
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 12 15
DevID by happysmileygal DevID :iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 1 25
This Is Not Perfect
There is only one thing I wish you to know: love is not beautiful. It never has been, it never will be. It is not a Shakespeare poem; it is not eternal. It is not everything I have ever wanted, because I never wanted anything from you, except everything you had, and none of that could be classified as love.
Perhaps another day I could reconsider this. Perhaps there could be a beautiful love, full of pretty things and dandelions and rosy cheeks. Perhaps. But I doubt it. Just like how I doubt you, with your inability to not care. I like to doubt things, like how I doubt the leaves will grow on the trees in spring, and how I doubt my self-control will ever be controlled.
Love, perhaps, is blind. Romance might be dead. I could be both, but you would carry on just as you please, worrying about me and hoping about me and living life without me. I wish romance was dead. Then maybe part of you could die a little. You were always quite, quite passionate, and maybe th
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 3 6
Vanilla Lime
It was where they would whisper. Her and any volume of friends, of girls or boys, or possibly a imixed genre/i, and she preferred those most of all because then there were more boys to kiss in Spin The Bottle and more girls to gossip with during Truth or Dare. Although, when it was a mixed genre, they tended to play card games: 21, Old Maid, Cheat (or preferrably Bullshit), Uno, anything that looked, or at least sounded, fun.
It was where all the 'What I say can never leave this place' and 'Don't tell anyone, but...' stories were told, where secret kisses were exchanged and worried, romantic, hateful glances were passed out in handfuls.
It was, itself, a secret - almost a whole year had gone passed since she'd moved house into a Victorian tenement flat, where her family owned (and most certainly did not rent out) the three floors. The landlord, who had showed them round, had told them it was more like a townhouse, and she was willing to go with that. They'd lived there for a while, ins
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 1 4
Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A brainfreeze when she dared him to eat ice cream in the middle of the park, knee high in freezing white snow, and she sneaked up behind him and smashed a snowball into his hair. She'd giggled when he'd turned around, gaping at her in her purple ski trousers and bright pink jacket, her hair hiding under a beanie hat, her cheeks rosy. He'd stared at her for a long time, so much prettier with less make up, until she leaned in to peck his lip and, brushing his fingers through the snow, managed to grab some and subtly crush it against her neck until she'd squealed.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A broken pinkie when she squeezed his hand too hard when she saw the Barneys Double Sale. They didn't notice at all as she browsed, for seemingly hours, the racks, her very fashionable boyfriend at her side and telling her that no, bright pink and sparkly and freakishly short was not going to lo
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 3 51
The First Time
because there you are, you fingers hammering the keyboard, your eyes burning as you read the words that are every single essence of you, the hate and regret slammed into one poor little essay. This is your fault, this is all your fucking fault, and even as beautiful music plays to an ugly person, you halt, reading, the self-hate and insecurities and ignorance spewed out before you, this is all your fault, and you hate it, you hate, and the only thing that makes you better (although it's really making you worse) than all these people you're insulting is that you're trying to change all this, ?you're trying to get better, and you're the one fucking killing yourself in the process.
you know this, you know all this, and you hate yourself for it because who are you kidding? e ven if you're trying to kid yourself it's really not working, because you see yourself every day and you see what everyone else does and while they don't mind it (though you're
:iconhappysmileygal:happysmileygal 1 36

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I have secrets buried inside of me. Secrets that yearn to break free, to feel the sunshine, the moonshine light upon their lexicon. Some are painful, others are proud. This one is basic; this one is vital.
There is power within each of us to change the world. Scoff if you must, if you are afraid to believe, but it remains true. Because worlds are as big as we live them.
I live mine in grand fashion, yet still my world is nothing compared to some. My daughter's world, that of my sons, are even smaller yet, but their happiness is of the utmost importance to me. I try to be a positive impact, a meteor of safety and love, into their universe daily. Hourly.
The painful truth, one you can't run from, is this:
    you are a world changer with a word.
    you are a world changer by deed.
    you are a world changer with your laugh, your smile or your frown.
    you are a world changer by who you love, who you let inside and who you keep at arm's length.
Many worlds.
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Honest Lies
A delicate canvas adorned with a crimson tear;
her porcelain skin with an opaque veneer.
Sensibility corrupted, she was unable to resist;
strawberries and cream with a bitter-sweet twist.
An SOS call from lighting's vivid flare;
and the young girl's emotions finally laid bare.
Thunder ceased and liberated her disguise;
an open field for her forgotten cries.
A solemn expression and sunken sodden eyes;
she was blissfully unaware of his blatant lies.
Her tender heart abused, lost and not beating;
remaining an inanimate soul from his callous cheating.
Left broken and alone, betrayed and deceived;
she isn't to blame for what she received.
For her sensibility was corrupted, unable to resist;
strawberries and cream with a bitter-sweet twist.
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i am breathing in smoke and breathing out letters,
hands claw-bent around a cigarette
i am breathing in snow and breathing out hurt
holding my hands out like a sacrifice
our bodies are brick, our bodies are mortar,
our hands are spead out and utterly hollow
human dams, pushing back the rainwater,
fighting against the first shivers of ice
everyone thinks their pain is the first,
that they alone have been hit by the swirling waters
that their fingers are the only ones crooked with cold
i do not care if i am predictable:
i miss you
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there is a furnace where your hand should be
there is a story i want to tell,
and like all good stories,
it starts with a death.
london is built on the bones of itself
on the ash and char and time-swallowed screams
on the hollowed out rafters of was
grief is built the same way. there are hands
that are not your hands, there are hands
that are not your hands and that carry the body away
like barrels down the river. your hands are empty,
your hands are shaking and shoved into your pockets
and wrapped around burning hot cups of tea and
clutched into stained cloth that you never intended
to keep.
there is a story that i want to tell but it isn't
my story to tell so i am going to lie and tell you about
november when the fireworks in the garden
caught the grass alight and there was a black streak there
for every year until we left, that stayed though
snow and rain and packets of seeds, of rosebushes
planted right down in the dirt under it
there is a story that i wanted to tell and like
all stories it is about loss, and losing,
:iconwish-sticks:wish-sticks 12 5


  • Listening to: 'rebel rebel' playlist on 8tracks
  • Reading: wide sargasso sea
  • Watching: my country fuck up its own future
  • Playing: how often can i cry at the same pic of the herald
  • Drinking: my own tears
a lot of ppl probably don't know...about the scottish referendum results...

so basically for the past two years a real movement for independence has swept across scotland, and we held our referendum on 17/9/14, vote yes for independence or no for the union. for various reasons, i'm a passionate yes voter - mainly because i believe in having our own gvt that we voted for that will protect us, because i want to remove trident from us, because i want change now.

so...votes came in from 2am+ on the 18th, and it became clear very quickly it was a no vote. shoutout to the islands, who're to stuck in traditional to handle the thought of being left-wing haha. shoutout to aberdeen, oil fucking centre, with one of the biggest gaps between yes and no. shoutout to edinburgh, fucking edinburgh that also had a huge gap between yes and no haha god bless so glad our capitol which literally has out snp gvt located in it voted no. i am so surprised. almost shocked.

shoutout to glasgow, dundee, west dunbartonshire and north lanarkshire for voting yes. some of the poorest on average counties in scotland voted yes, and yet we still got a no vote, and i honestly think that's all you need to know about what's been happening here.

shoutout to the fucking better together campaign that didn't get its arse in gear till maybe 6 months ago and only promised us devolution about two weeks ago.

shoutout to the lovely yes voters who banded together on the eve of the 17th. shoutout to the mostly no-voters, orange order, other racist/secretarianist/bigotted ppl who r out in george sq rn, rioting, setting fires to flags and pro-yes organisations, stabbing ppl and performing nazi salutes. never have i been more proud to live in scotland, and specifically in glasgow. i'm so glad we voted no.

anyway, i'm a huge mess, i keep crying about it, i'm horrendously disappointed and if u have no knowledge of this i ask u desperately to pls educate yourself on this enormously important issue


happysmileygal's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United Kingdom
Spending most of my time crying over various fictional shows, like Teen Wolf and Supernatural, as well as various fictional characters, like Derek Hale and Sam Winchester and Lydia Martin and Adam Milligan and there's a lot of them ok. Time not spent doing that usually involves me squealing over six grown men playing video games (they call themselves Achievement Hunters, tch), especially one Michael Jones who is perfect in each and every way oh my god he is beautiful god i need a moment.

In case you ever want to see the hysterics in real time, visit for more fun.

Disclaimer: I'm also an idiot and defend these characters with ferocity. Don't tall about politics to me, bc I'll monopolise the conversation and somehow turn it to America's lack of a national health service, feminism, or the class system. I'm a sarcastic lil shit that makes ridiculous references to ridiculous shows, and I like girly things and badass shit bc why not. Sorry.


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Starija Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2016  Professional Writer
KiteBoy1 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I there! let me wish you a very happy birthday and many more happy birthdays to come :)
EXO : Suho Gift Exo : Chanyeol Gift Kotori Present Icon Hatsune Miku-03 (Miku's Gift) Hatsune Miku-08 (Gift V2) Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D birthday cake Cake Hershey's Chocolate Bar Icon V1 i luf chocolate Dalokohs Chocolate Bar Icon Red V1 Dalokohs Chocolate Bar Icon Blu V1 
KiteBoy1 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hi there! I just want to wish you a very happy birthday, and many more happy birthdays to come.  Hatsune Miku-03 (Miku's Gift) Hatsune Miku-08 (Gift V2) EXO : Suho Gift Exo : Chanyeol Gift Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D Birthday cake  icon Birthday Cake  :D CaekCat 
Starija Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Professional Writer
i shall one day birthday cake you, promise.
happysmileygal Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
(ahh sorry this is late i didn't see)

OMG thank u. u shoudl absolutely get on the cake is delicious <3
Starija Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Professional Writer
yep yep :heart: maybe next b-day i'll bday cake badge you!
happysmileygal Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
oh hell yeah i can hardly wait :hug:
(1 Reply)
KiteBoy1 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday and many more to come. :)
Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D CaekCat CaekCat Cake Cake 
happysmileygal Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
ah thank you so much :) 
dragon-fly-to-me Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014
Happy birthday!!! :cake: 
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